Why?

One of the great spiritual questions of the universe. Why do things happen? Why do bad things happen? Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do bad things happen over and over and over again to the same really good people? It's not fair. It's a pisser. It's not character-building. It's not because some almighty someone thought we could handle it or had a grander purpose. It just sucks. There is no way to explain it away. This sentiment may offend some of you, which is not my intention. But it is MY sentiment and it is how I feel.

We found out today that my mom's lung cancer is inoperable. It's not untreatable, but it will most definitely be a long, tough fight involving chemotherapy and radiation. Mom's a fighter and she'll fight with everything she's got, but her life will be forever transformed. She always has been a fighter, in her proper, southern, ultra-polite down-home kind of way. She and my dad were fighters when their son Tommy, my brother, battled and lost his fight with cancer at the age of 3, nearly 44 years ago. They were fighters when my dad's brother Dick, battled and lost his fight with cancer many years ago. They were fighters when both of my grandfather and my mom's brother lost their battles with cancer. They were fighters individually as they defeated breast cancer and prostate cancer, respectively. They were fighters when I, their then-17-year-old daughter, fought and thankfully won my battle with cancer 25 years ago. They were fighters when my cousin Karen lost her battle with breast cancer at the age of 40.

When I was sick my mom and I would talk about how I was "building character." Well damnit, we've got enough character! In one of my last conversations with my cousin Karen, she said "What's up with our family and cancer? What's that about?" I don't know, Karen. I don't know.

Just five days ago, as my parents sat by my bedside awaiting my surgery, they were fighters, upbeat and positive and absolutely there for me. I love that they were here for me, and wish I could be there for them more than I can from 350 miles away. They've returned to Bodega Bay where they are this evening, just the two of them, alone with each other and their thoughts of what is to come. Please send your love and positive energy their way. My mom will tell her own story on http://www.carepages.com/. But we are so intertwined that her story is my my story and my story is her story. Such is the bond between mothers and daughters. I never thought we would be battling cancer together. What a sad, sad irony there is in that.

I continue to heal and take comfort in the love of my family and friends.